Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude