Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?