Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I’m already scared
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?