Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
October 31
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
consequences, the bane of my existence
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.