Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Just added something to my bucket list.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*