Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.