Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.