Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Awesome parenting 😂
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…