Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Hmmmmm
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.