Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

This is no longer winter this is harassment

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.