Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
You learn something every day
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.