Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
This guy gets it.
Just parrot things
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”