Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Just parrot things
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed