music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I have a black belt in leather
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.