Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“What?”
– Jude
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.