Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go