Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

a god among men

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge