Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

That 👊

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.