Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

Van Gone

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.