Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

hmmm

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.