Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin