Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Breaking news:

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

This raises questions

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.