[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Breaking news:
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
San Francisco has too many rules
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?