Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.