Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The booster protects against what, now?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.