Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
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I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner