I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Harsh but fair
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.