Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Drive like no one is watching.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.