Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr