Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Become ungovernable.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.