Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

I get distracted pretty eas