Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no