must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.