Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
this could fix me
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD