Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
i wish we could shoplift online
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Weirdly Wednesday.
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