Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.