Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.