Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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as the prophecy foretold
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
🤷♀️
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.