Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.