Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
scrabbled eggs
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.