Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

I hate when that happens.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget