Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre