Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

Sorted

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.