Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…