Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The photographer’s assistant
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.