Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
they see me scrollin
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
you’re damn right i have
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand