Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Woke up against my better judgment again
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.