“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.