Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.