Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one