Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
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my dad when a sex scene comes on
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
that lip filler tho
In case you needed to hear it:
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.