[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.