*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Yes 😂
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?