*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
prepare for carbonated trouble
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Nose
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?