@AngryRaccoon2

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

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@carlyken

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

@shegotagronk

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious

@yayraptor

[dad training]
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
TRAINER: [stares]
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad

@internetluke

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@matt___nelson

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two