*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.
Casualties have been immense… & delicious
TRAINER: im hungry
ME: ok lets ea-
ME: i mean-hey hungry im dad
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Me: I can’t work today.
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two