*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Autocorrect is my menesis
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.