Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

😼🖥️

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]