My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Bit chilly again tonight.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.