Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.