Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.