Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

This is my emotional support knife.

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.