Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Lives near Army base.

Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?