My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Herpes is trending, good job people
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring