My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
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Story of my life…..
giddy up Office Depot
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL