@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

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@Havish_AF

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

@daemonic3

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

@AnOrangeSNES

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

@MrsJekyllsHyde

In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

@bingowings14

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

@kashanacauley

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@DannyZuker

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

@abbycohenwl

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class