My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.


My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”


Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?


In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?


If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.


People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.


*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!


As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.


Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class