Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I think I’m having a stroke

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.