Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”