Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore