Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.