my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
happy mother’s day❤️
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
