My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
You Might Also Like
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?