My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.