Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

When your best mate counts as a desk too

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

ㅤ

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.