My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
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Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me :
All Day At Night
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The sacred texts.
