Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

hmmmmmm

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise