My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”