My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved![]()
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Super Hand Dog Face
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!