My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
You Might Also Like
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day