When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Interviewer: why should we hire you?
Me: so I can pay my rent
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.