@behindyourback

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

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@copymama

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

@canadasandra

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

@WowYoureFunny

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

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@Mostly_Cheese

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

@desi_princess

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why should we hire you?

Me: so I can pay my rent

@jsteele3966

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.